Don't go on vacation.
Does this seem harsh? Let me expand the thesis. Don't go on vacation. Because when you get back, real life sucks even more than it did before you hated it so much you ran away.
My wank landlord left the following letter for myself and my two housemates, reproduced here in full:
Yesterday was the scheduled safety inspection and you were notified about this through email. [Note: we weren't.]
I walked in with the Inspector and both were shocked and disgusted over the total mess our house was in.[Further note: I had completely cleaned the house only days before following a party I held. The only thing I didn't do was mop, because it's winter and raining and you can't open the windows. So here is where I start to get personally offended by the asshattery.]
We did not look into the middle bedroom, but the front and back rooms were in a shambles.
The inspector gave bad marks for habitation due to the mess. You are required to have the place entirely picked up and cleaned by Nov 25th. If you do not have the time, then you should hire a professional cleaner.
Specifically:
1. No clothes on the floor. Only furniture, and carpets on the floor.
2. The master bath mirror in the tub tile has to be free of scum. If permanent damage occurs to the mirror, the fix will cost approximately 200.00 because the tile will have to be replaced, and we do not have any more of that tile, and new tile would have to be purchased, plus the labour.
3. The tree in the master bedroom has to be removed.
4. We will remove the curtain in front of the sliding door in the family room, because the curtain is not working again and this the third or fourth time that we would have fixed the curtain. It will be up to the three of you do something that will work for you.
If the house is not in a presentable condition on the 25th, then we will begin eviction procedures. If all goes well:
In the future, we will give you 24 hours notice to come in and see that the house is remaining clean. If not, then we will proceed to evict.
We need the emails for the other girls, so that each of you can be notified individually of future visits.
Sincerely,
Your wank landlordReally? Really? So his list of actionable offences comes down to clothes on the floor, which is not in the lease, a bathroom which is the responsibility of only that particular renter, not all of us, a ficus in a proper planter, and a curtain which was not provided by the landlord and is therefore not his property? And he thinks he can proceed with eviction on these grounds? Really?
Because it's not like the house is actually messy. It's not, because even when I get upset with the state of things, it's not actually a mess. We regularly sweep or hoover, we regularly clean the kitchen, we dust, and we tend the bathrooms. He didn't mention any of those things as problems except for a mirror, and so I really wonder if he gets quite what a complete asshole he sounds like threatening to evict us based on a curtain and a laundry pile.
I have not yet written a letter back detailing just how thoroughly I will trash him in court if he proceeds on this, but I am sharpening my typing fingers. Also, I hereby declare that I will move somewhere else immediately, where I don't have to wake up to this kind of shit stinking up my mailbox.
Don't go away. Coming back is a special form of hell.
Since first posting this I have taken pictures of every room in the house to prove we are not ecoterrorists bent on destroying a perfectly good house, done a radical clean (I clean when I'm angry) and eaten an entire package of McVitie's chocolate digestives for lunch. Aside from the pleasure of having my shoes organised by colour and design, the only real positive is being full of chocolate goodness.
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